The Anxious Mama

Before she was born, I worried. I worried that she would be born to a mother that couldn’t love her. That couldn’t hold her. That wouldn’t look at her. That didn’t want to feed her. Abhorred changing her. But that never happened. She was born to a mother who obsessed over her existence. A mother that held her for hours. Looked into her eyes constantly. Didn’t want anybody else to hold her. Six months later and I still get jealous when other people hold her. I want to see her all of the time to make sure that she’s OK. Make sure she’s not placing random items in her mouth. When I’m away from her, I wonder how she’s breathing. I rush enjoying my “free” time to get back to her even though I never really feel free. I feel like I’m suffocating until I’m back with her. This is the anxious mama. The mama who doesn’t want to drive in a busy city because fear of getting into an accident with the person you love most is unfathomable. Or that you’ll be the latest viral FB post because somebody tried to snatch her from you in a busy grocery store. I was prepared to combat negative thoughts of my child. I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared for the helicopter of worry and fear that rising in the morning brings. You worry when you go to sleep at night because...SIDS or accidental suffocation is a thing. But now, there’s a brand new day. Do I trap us in the house and be safe? Or do I test the world and hope we survive? We test the world. We test it everyday. Because that’s the only way it gets better. We trust our village because that’s the only way we learn peace. We spend our alone time (not free time because parenthood isn’t binding, it’s a blessing) moment by moment and breath by breath because knowing and living who we are as an individual is the best way to be a mother. I knew and loved myself immensely before becoming a mother and that is who I want Kaci to meet. Not this anxious ball of fear. The joy our little ones have in their eyes and in their hearts can’t be stifled with our fear. Letting go of our anxiety is easier said than done, but it’s a daily practice that we must continue in order to raise healthy and productive children. We must practice living anxious free lives so that our homes are warm and loving and free of strain. Breathe, mama. You deserve this. Relax your shoulders. Calm your hands. Breathe again. Ways to control anxiety: 1. Therapy 2. Get your thyroid checked. An overactive thyroid can cause anxiety. 3. Exercise 4. Journal your thoughts. Sometimes writing things out and reading them back to yourself shows you how silly it is! 5. Meditate. Think of strength and goodness. Picture smiling and laughter. Picture experiences that would make you happy. Bring them to yourself. Practice relaxing those shoulders and breathing. 6. Create a schedule 7. Get plenty of rest